I recently wrote a post about my journey of diagnosis and how I first came to understand the importance of body, mind and soul and if the three are in alignment our bodies move closer to better health.
In the world of Multiple Sclerosis there are four classifications of MS, and the "type" I have is the "best" kind. My issues are mostly invisible to the naked eye, but every day is still a struggle that I still have to manage as best as I can.
Others in the MS community don't have invisible MS.Their issues run the gamut from inability to walk or speak clearly to cognitive dysfunction and/or bowel and bladder issues. Some are forced to retire, and others rarely leave home. Their world is more difficult than mine.(You can read more about MS here on the National Multiple Sclerosis Society website.)
When I began to blog about MS I didn't know how I'd write about our disease, wondering how to be all-inclusive about every type.
I always try to do my best by keeping the entire community in mind. But as any writer knows I have to WRITE WHAT I KNOW.
It's impossible to be all things to all people. So I took the plunge and began following the old adage. I wrote about my life experiences, hoping that what I write will resonate with readers. Then I remembered a quote by Winston Churchill:
But hell hath no fury like a reader who feels scorned. After my post appeared about the benefit of the mind/body connection, I received an angry comment that went something like this:
"I am SO happy HER world works. It depends on her severity, but it doesn't sound too extreme. I'm strong and push through the pains in my world. But I can't work and sometimes I can't walk. Maybe your words will help someone. Except your sort of sounding like the cheerleader, all fit, perfect figure, great husband, kids, works out, has a wonderful job and is blessed her MS is under control from one MS medication. SERIOUSLY? Nice try drug company to use her for your prop. How much did you pay her? Does she really have MS? Yep, I've got some issues with people's happy "Oh look at me!" stories."
I was stunned and felt a little hurt. But after reading it over again (and again) I felt this person's anger. It wasn't necessarily toward me, but toward MS and her situation. Being unable to walk or work is a terrible burden to bear.
In my reply I told her that we are part of a great community and need to embrace, support and empower each other. We are on the same team and need to recognize the value in that.
In writing to her it reminded me of the women I've met in my online blogging community, the midlife bloggers who have become my good friends. We embrace, support and empower each other. That sense of community is powerful and has lifted me up for the past two years.
I also adore my MS community. The people I've met empower me with their constant strength and kindness, helping me to become a stronger person every day.
My hope is that the angry reader will realize that being part of a caring community is healthier than wallowing in anger. As with everything in life, being part of a team, any loving team, is better for us. Don't you agree?
Sometimes we struggle with letting go of anger. Physical limitations bring about frustration that can lead to aggression. Whenever a client exhibits this "outburst" of emotional despair, it requires more "listening". This is when asking people to think about ways that get them through it. Focus on a level of understanding when confronted with someone hurting that day. They do not always have the capacity to rise above aggressive depression. It is a positive sign that this person felt OK to express disagreement.
Forty years of Nursing has shown me that it is important to auto diagnose feelings about being concerned whether or not a point is taken, but to humbly approach the resistance given to you in order to identify what that person needs at that present moment.
Respectfully explaining where you were coming from with the blog is a start. It sounds as if you are compelled to take it from another perspective. Seek out what needs have to be met and start from a rudimentary level.
You are doing great work, Cathy and I admire your tenacity. Warmly, Judith
It is all part of the stages of grief Cathy and your reader's life is riddled with loss. It is a healthy part of the process to be angry. Honestly, this comment was not really about you at all - it was a part of your reader's process. Your words do help and empower others. Even though that comment was written after something you wrote, if you take a step back and look at it from your reader's perspective, the comment was directed at her life and the cards she was dealt, not yours. Carry on and keep preaching the power of positive!
Someone said: "Anger is sadness turned out" and that is what this person's comment seems to me. I wish this person a miracle of 100 % function and cure - and I wish the same for you. Love reading your posts, as the message goes way beyond MS. thank you for the insight and for sharing your positive spirit.
Your compassion and understanding know no bounds. I admire you, Cathy.
Wow, Cathy, you really handled the situation well. I can only imagine the pain and hurt you felt, especially since your writing is always so sensitively worded. Your point how we are all on the same team is brilliant. That's really what it's all about. MS may be the specific theme of your writing, but life lessons for all people (for me!) is how I see it. This story is just one example of how life, illness, difficulties, etc is not a competition. We're all in this together. A great reminder to wake up to in the morning! Have a wonderful day! 🙂
You are so right and wise about this angry reader.... she is mad at 'her world' and rightly so. it's just a shame that so many people project their anger on others.
Good for YOU for showering her with understanding and love. <3
And p.s. Thanks for the reminder of how other people's anger is not always about us. Still, it's womderful that you were able to combine compassion for the other person, while taking care of yourself. Sorry for my "Megillah" but I'm inspired by this post!
You are so right. I am trying to not let myself get angry anymore. We hurt ourselves more than the people we are angry at, ruin relationships and make ourselves sick.
We often judge others for what shows and we don't have any idea of what goes on they are not telling us. She does not really know what you cope with. Nor does she know how someone can choose to be positive and to make positive choices in her life with a supportive family backing her up. Her emotions are familiar, though. It is hard for those of us without abilities to see others have it easier sometimes. It is not the fault of the person who has it easier!
Oh Cathy, I can so relate to your dilemma from both yours and your commenter's perspectives. I can remember getting so infuriated hearing people tell stories about how God saved their mother/brother/child/best friend or whomever from a car accident. I always wanted to reply "God must've been taking a vacation day when my brother was hit by a drunk driver."
Over the years I've come to realize that they were just sharing their perspective. Until we all make it to the other side, no one will really 100% know why some are killed and some are spared in accidents.
A few years ago, I wrote a post about surviving as a single mom when your husband travels for a living. It was a lively piece with practical advice and some points about how I felt that our marriage had improved with the travel.
A reader wrote me a scornful, venomous reply about how she found out her traveling husband had been having a long term affair and she was just so glad that my life was all perfect, while her marriage had fallen apart.
Wow, I was stunned. It's interesting, though, how when we're writing a piece, all these varying perspectives don't really occur to us...well, I'll speak for myself. They are eye opening, though.
As someone who suffers from RA we have all felt that anger at times when we feel we have been betrayed by our bodies. Being angry is okay but wallowing in it and taking it out on innocent people is not. You have brought lots of awareness to the MS community and don't deserve to be attacked in this sort of way. I'm sorry this has happened to such an inspiring person!
Just keep doing what you do, Cathy. You bring a positive message to so many people struggling with illness, and to the world in general. There will always be people angry at us for the things we have/do/experience that they do not.
I get those kind of comments all the time Cathy. Other commenters are right--but invisible disabilities are a bitch because people can't see our struggles but what we have and half of me wants to say "wait a frigging second, I worked my tush off..." The other half or two thirds really feels compassion.
My reality is I did have loving and supportive parents when I was a child and we were financially up there. But my parents treated me as if I were more capable than most which meant I had to graduate college, had to get a job.
I'm glad they didn't know about invisible disabilities (not your kind which I can't imagine and so admire you for all you do) so I was forced to be a capable person--though there things I will never be able to do and didn't understand for the longest time why I hated crowds and sensory overload so much.
Now I'm writing about the dark side of being a tween before that expression exisited with an invisible disability and am told I didn't have to put up with....Well they didn't have IEP's etc.
The thing is as long as you write and are somewhat successful or even not people will misunderstand, find fault and my favorite--say they could do a better job. So I give them an opportunity to blog for psychology today and do they? Even after I offer to teach them, to edit etc--all things I'm good at.
People will always complain simply because it's easier and the zen is reaching a point where it doesn't matter anymore.
Sorry for the length. This is a subject that rings my chimes!
Agree with Sharon. You have a healthy, beautiful perspective.
Many people would not have stopped, listened, and felt your angry reader's pain and frustration. I hope she continues to read this blog and feels enveloped by your compassion and care for her experience of this disease.
totally agree. that poor woman is suffering. venting at you is not going to help anything but clearly she's not in a good place.
I think your post is great and I am so sorry that you got a negative comment that was so hurtful. I agree with the others that its her pain that is causing her to lash out at you. So sorry! Big hug to you!
It is impossible to be all things to all people, sharing your truth is what makes you, you. I love your stories and your spirit Cathy. Keep sharing your truth for no one does you better. xo
Anger is an interesting emotion that can provide fuel to move keep moving forward. As a substance abuse counselor in an intensive residential treatment center, I saw many angry men. Scary as a group, but within the safe environment of a caring person/counselor, I saw the layers of anger peel away like an onion. Then the tears would begin. Anger can be a coping mechanism/shield to keep from feeling the pain. Can be useful at times to give energy to move through a particularly difficult moment but can also be terribly destructive if embedded into the psyche.
People often don't realize they have a choice. You've made the choice to not be angry. Not that you haven't been angry before, you've worked through it to focus on the positive. I used to often tell clients when they'd tell me why they were the way they were...all the things that have happened to them. My response was always the same: "What you are telling me explains the behavior, but you have a choice now to not use it as an excuse. Your choice. If you hang on to it I can't be of much help. If you're willing to work through it, I'll be right beside you."
It takes an enormous amount of energy to hold on to anger and negativity.
Your angry responder should read your post on depression, by the way...
As an author I struggle with bad, sometimes hateful reviews. It takes me a while to be able to put on my objectivity hat:)
Good post Cathy.
Anger has more to do with the person expressing it than the person to whom it's being directed. Your message does so much good in the world, and there's no question having a positive attitude is far healthier than the opposite. Keep being you -- that's who we all want to read and know. xo
Knowing you as I do, I am not surprised that you overlooked your hurt to search for the meaning behind that comment. Your understanding of human nature is what makes you surmount the sting of nasty comments. I admire you so much for this quality, Cathy -- grace under pressure. That is you.
No truer words than this: "... being part of a caring community is healthier than wallowing in anger." It's unfortunate the one leaving the comment has not yet found her place in a caring community. They're out there. Her best spot to start is in yours. Good luck to her.
Responding with love, compassion, empathy and support for her shows just how big a heart you have Cath. xo
You really are one of a kind. Your ability to put yourself in her shoes is what makes you stand out from the crowd.
I agree that being part of a community --- any community, but certainly a supportive community --- is better than walking alone.
Keep up the good work AND the positive attitude. It will not only help you, but others as well.
Your words and strength are both beautiful and admirable. It's so hard to stop and realize that what someone is expressing IS usually about them.
I'm sorry you had such a harsh comment, they can sting, and you're entitled to react and feel hurt or slapped in the virtual face, so to speak, because of what she said. But not wallowing in it and freely responding like this? Shows so much strength. Thank you for sharing.
She sounds like an angry, miserable person and the light you strive so hard to have and to bring to others is too much for her, but that's not your problem. It's hers. There will always be someone who is unhappy for someone else's happiness or strength. You handled this beautifully 🙂
[…] create a unity between the different “types” and the unique journeys everyone faces? In her post, Multiple Sclerosis Health Activist Cathy reflects on her experience with the disconnect within her […]