Whatever Happened To Good Etiquette And Manners? Here Are Some Tips On How To Cope With Rude Behavior

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The waitress finally stopped at our table to take our order.  She never glanced up from her pen and pad to greet us, nor did she crack a smile on her sour puss.

“Are you ready to order?” asked Miss No Smile.

“Yes, I’ll have the salad.  But can you put the dressing on the side?” I asked.

“What?” she snapped, never looking up at me.

“Can I have the dressing on the side?” I calmly repeated.

“You want the dressing on the side?” she asked, as if this was a capital offense.

“Yes.” I replied firmly, trying to hold my temper.

“I’ll see what I can do.” she briskly replied.  

Where is Miss Manners when I need her?

“Hi Edie.  We haven’t spoken in a long time.  I have a lot to tell you.  Please send me some dates so we can schedule a time to meet.  Miss you!”

I hit the SEND button.

A few days later, I checked my email.  No reply.

The next week there was no reply.  And the next few months there was no reply.

I took a deep breath, remembering not to take it personally, and I wrote another email.

“Hi Edie.  I guess you’re pretty busy and haven’t had a chance to answer my last email.  I hope we can catch up soon."  

Once again I hit the SEND button.

Once again there were no replies.

Once again I felt a dagger in my heart.

I wonder what Emily Post would say about unanswered emails?

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I try to be as courteous as I can.  I answer every text, email, private message and phone call.

Since I’m a writer and work from home, I have more time than others because I don’t commute or need to figure out what I’m going to wear.

But what I do is work, and I work hard to earn every paycheck.  My time means money.

Should I be answering every message? No.  Will I stop doing it?  No.

Because being courteous is important to me.

Have the lessons we’re taught in childhood, to be kind and courteous to others, disappeared because we’re too damn busy?

Where do we draw the line between what’s an acceptable behavior and what is rude and not nice?

Technology makes our lives easier.  Yet it‘s also created a society of people who walk next to each other without talking.  They are too busy texting and checking their messages.

Okay, I’m guilty of that.  Just ask my husband and son.  Sorry, guys.

Times have changed.

In a New York Times article entitled, “Incivility Can Have Costs Beyond Hurt Feelings”, Alex J. Parker, author of “How Rude!: The Teenager’s Guide to Good Manners” (Free Spirit Publishing, 1997), explains:

“I would be the first to say that there has been an absolute collapse of civility in the past generation or two. So much of communications is once removed that it adds a layer of distance and anonymity that can only worsen manners.

In Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, a person is taught to replace negative thoughts with positive ones, and once they're used to replacing those thoughts, the positive ones become their new norm.

I think a type of CBT would work well when dealing with rude and discourteous behavior. Replacing feelings of anger with compassion and understanding might do the trick.

Here are two quick tips to try and cope with rude or discourteous behavior:

 

If rude behavior continues after you followed the advice above, it’s time to move on.  You may feel disappointed or hurt, but you can’t force another person to behave the way you think they should.

Using good manners in our daily lives, and teaching our children and grandchildren about their importance, is what will bring good etiquette back into fashion.

How do you deal with rude or discourteous behavior?  What has worked for you?

Other posts you might enjoy:

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An Emmy Award Winner Conquers The Music World And His Battle Against Multiple Sclerosis

NOTE:  In my interview of Emmy Award winning composer Jeff Beal (House of Cards, Monk, Pollock, Ugly Betty) he talked about composing music, his diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis, and his success with the controversial (and non FDA approved) procedure, CCSVI.

jeff beal

Jeff Beal
Photo: amazon.com

It’s an uplifting story about a man born with the gift for making music, who wanted to overcome obstacles and continue to be a good husband, father and composer.     

My family was eagerly anticipating a new television show about a famous San Francisco obsessive-compulsive detective who had an uncanny ability to solve hundreds of seemingly unsolvable murders. After an endless stream of commercials, the show was set to begin.

My first recollection of watching Monk was not of the show itself, but of the first few melodious notes played on an acoustic guitar that was reminiscent of Django Reinhardt.

Monk, and Jeff Beal and his ms battle

Photo Credit: theguardian.com

The melody was instantly engaging.  Deeply rooted in jazz, its sweet and tender notes seemed to guilelessly wrap themselves around the gentle yet tragic main character. In other words, the score was perfect.

How often do you watch a TV show and fall in love with the music?

Musical genius with MS

There are a handful of theme songs that are memorable - Hawaii Five-O, All In The Family, The Mary Tyler Moore Show, I Love Lucy and Cheers.

After the first episode of Monk was over, I waited to read the end credits to see who the musical genius was behind the score.

Enter Jeff Beal.  

An Amazon.com review of the Monk soundtrack said it best:

“Composer Jeff Beal picks up the many loose threads of the lovably obsessed gumshoe's personality and weaves them into one of contemporary television's most consistently pleasing jazz-rooted scores. Anchored by a jaunty, guitar-driven theme…that invokes the carefree verve of Django Reinhardt..” 

I dug deeper to find out more about Mr. Beal. It didn’t surprise me to learn he had a long and varied list of musical accomplishments.

Jeff Beal's musical accomplishments despite MS

As a versatile composer of music, he combines different genres to write the soundtracks for films (Pollock, Appaloosa) and television shows (Ugly Betty, House of Cards, Monk). He also is a highly regarded jazz instrumentalist who composed music long before a request from Chick Corea came his way to score a concerto for bassist John Patittucci.

His first critical acclaim came from the musical score of Ed Harris’ Pollock, and has since been nominated for eight Emmy Awards, winning three of them with TNT’s Nightmares and Dreamscapes Battleground, USA’s main theme for Monk and the documentary Peggy and Dorothy which aired during the 2002 Winter Olympics.

He currently writes the musical score for Netflix’s original production of House of Cards starring Kevin Spacey.

Life was good for Jeff Beal.

In October 2012, an article in The New York Times appeared about a controversial Multiple Sclerosis “cure” called CCSVI (chronic cerebralspinal venous insufficiency).

Dr. Paolo Zamboni, an Italian vascular surgeon “hypothesized that the real cause of MS was something called ‘chronic cerebrospinal venous insufficiency (CCSVI).’”  He contended that veins were being blocked, preventing blood from draining from the head, causing iron to back up into the brain and causing damage to the nerves that sends signals to the body.

Dr. Zamboni developed a procedure that would surgically open veins in people with MS, restoring normal blood flow to the brain.  Some of the MS and medical community were up in arms over this new and controversial theory. MS has always been thought of as an autoimmune disease.  This new school of thought was unthinkable. Many thought it was a scam.  (NOTE: CCSVI is not FDA approved.)

Yet many patients began telling stories about the CCSVI procedure helping them regain the ability to walk and function more normally.

One of the patients quoted in The New York Times article was Jeff Beal.

Symptoms of MS for Beal

In 2009, Beal began to suffer troubling issues such as brain fog, fatigue and difficulty when walking.  He received the shattering news that he was suffering from Multiple Sclerosis.

Beal wondered how he would continue being a good father and husband to his wife, Joan. He felt his life was slipping away.

According to The New York Times article,  “Jeff recalls that after his diagnosis, Joan immediately launched into hypervigilant great-wife mode and began researching the disease and interacting with M.S. patients online.”  She wasn’t happy with the answers she was receiving from the medical profession, and was equally unhappy that no doctor was able to predict whether or not Jeff’s MS would become progressively worse.

After conducting her own research, Joan came across Dr. Zamboni and his “controversial cure.”  Jeff became excited at the prospect of feeling better and immediately asked, “Where do I sign up?”

In May 2009, Beal became the first person in United States to receive the CCSVI treatment.  He added, “I was awake during the procedure and it was incredible.  Halfway through, I felt less brain fog, more clarity, less fatigue and more alert.”  When the procedure was over, he was ecstatic.  He began to feel like his old self again.

MS diagnosis doesn't stop Jeff & Joan Beal

The Happy Couple: Jeff and Joan Beal
Photo: jeffbeal.com

This was great news for Jeff Beal.  This quiet man who loves to work in his private music studio at home got a second chance at life.  Now he’s able to spend time doing what he loves most – sharing quality time with his wife and children.

And, of course, composing and listening to the music he loves and treasures.

I look forward to listening to the next Jeff Beal composition. His journey has begun anew, with the gift of writing his own unique style of music fully intact, ready for all to enjoy.

What do you think about CCSVI?   

Further reading about CCSVI:
The National Multiple Sclerosis Society
medpagetoday.com
CCSVI Alliance

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Aging and Yoga: How Practicing Yoga Can Help You Feel Better As You Age

YogaThis morning as I sat down with my first cup of coffee, I opened my laptop to Google News, quickly glancing over the usual plethora of eye-catching headlines about fires, guns and violence.  Yet something more hopeful and relevant to me immediately caught my eye.  It was a blog posted in The New York Times about practicing yoga after the age of 50.  Bingo.

I've written about the importance of yoga as we age before (See Yoga: Giving Yourself the Gift of Good Health and How Invictus Teaches Us to Learn From Life's Lessons).  Yet since the mission of An Empowered Spirit is to educate and enlighten you about living a healthy and vibrant life after 50, I thought I'd write about it again.

I've been practicing yoga on and off for 10 years.  This past year I got more serious in my practice; gentle yoga was my class of choice due to my physical limitations.  Yet I was forced to take a sabbatical due to bursitis and an impinged nerve in my shoulder.

I feel the difference in my body since taking this break, and I am not a happy camper.

angry

Yoga has given me greater flexibility when I walk, and better balance despite a numb right leg.  The constant MS fatigue that disrupts my day was helped by frequent bursts of energy that I hadn't felt in years.  I felt more spiritually grounded through our class meditations, and made social connections that I enjoyed with like-minded classmates.

As Dr. Loren Fishman, a Manhattan back pain specialist who uses yoga as rehabilitation in his practice points out, " I suspect that yoga was at times an old person’s sport, and that it has prolonged the life and liveliness of people over the millennia. Designed appropriately and taken in proper dose, it is certainly safe."

I've heard many stories from people who say yoga has given them a better quality of life despite the physical setbacks they've experienced.  People who've had hip or knee surgery, troubles with their back and shoulder and even people battling cancer have all been in my class at one time or another. They credit yoga with giving them a fuller life by feeling and looking better.

As Carrie Owerko, a New York based teacher who has practiced for years said, "Yoga can be practiced fully and deeply at any age,” she said, with an added caution that “the practice has to change as the body changes.”

As we age and our body changes, mobility and range of motion may become impaired.  The practice of yoga should be personalized to fit the needs of the student, sometimes requiring the use of a chair for better balance, or other necessary modifications. The student should be aware of any physical limitations, skipping any poses that may cause a problem.

I always begin my yoga practice with a ten minute warmup session, stretching my tight muscles to avoid injury.stretcjomg

Roger Cole, a yoga teacher and San Francisco psychologist emphasized, "a regular yoga practice can help the body maintain a high level of flexibility into midlife and beyond. If a student continues the same practice as much as possible without interruption through the 50s and beyond, he or she will see a gradual decline in certain abilities, but not necessarily a decline in flexibility."

Reading this New York Times blog has made me realize how much I want to  finish up my physical therapy sessions and get back to the yoga practice I miss.

What do you do to maintain flexibility and balance as you age?

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DISCLAIMER:  Comments from An Empowered Spirit are brought to your attention on topics that could benefit you and should be discussed with your doctor or other medical professional. I am not medically trained and my posts are of a journalistic nature and not in lieu of medical advice. An Empowered Spirit and its author will not be held liable for any damages incurred from the use of this blog or any data or links provided.

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