You Have A Permanent Place In My Heart. Forever.

I love the MS community that I speak to each day for their strength, courage and unconditional commitment to support one another. They have taught me so much. Our bond has become stronger lately as we deal with the most serious of issues, more than I can say. The only way I know how to process the hand that's been dealt is through writing, so I wrote this piece of poetry for myself. I now share it with you.

Time is fleeting.

In a mind's eye I clearly see myself swimming back,
back upstream when the change of seasons was seamless,
the hours in a day were long,
and loved ones seemed immortal.

Skipping rope and slumber parties,
quickly changed,
when I gently closed my eyes, then opened them,
to see a new pink Princess phone,
bell bottomed jeans,
and books about teenage angst.

Days flow into years,
and years swiftly pass.
I try hard to hold on to the light,
to the peaceful places I love,
and the love and warmth that envelops me,
but still the night calls.

Time is transient,
and life is momentary.

So I close my eyes less,
to make each day longer,
and linger over every second,
as if it were my last.

I cherish the now,
Of you, of me and of us,
until we must say good-bye.

You have a permanent place in my heart.

Forever.

How One Simple Act Of Kindness Can Make A Difference

To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived, this is to have succeeded. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

I love this quote because it reminds me of the hope I hold in my heart that if my work makes a difference to someone else then I know my life has had meaning.

It feels good to help others the way that others have helped me. As Emerson said, I breathe easier.

There were times in my life when I felt trapped by illness, depression or the inability to care for myself. During those darkest days I was blessed by the gifts of unconditional love and support from my family.

I also received long distance surprises that helped shine a bright light on me. All of these positive forces from family and friends helped to bring me out of my darkness.

A NaBloPoMo prompt reminded me of this. It said:

"Tell us about one time that you benefitted from the kindness of strangers."

I liked the idea of this, but what came to mind was the kindness of friends who live far away.

I often write about the short-lived depression I suffered a few summers ago. My hormones were out-of-balance after living through incredible pain, two surgeries and a few other minor procedures. I was in the doldrums with no will to eat, walk or socialize.

I was not myself.

Three friends. Three gifts.

Then something wonderful happened. A package arrived at our front door. My husband brought the box to me and opened it. We unwrapped the beautiful packaging together to find a soft, beautifully knit moss-colored prayer shawl. The card revealed that a special knitting circle from a church in Texas made the shawl especially for me. The card was signed by a dear friend who took part in the circle.

I cried at the beauty of this gesture and wrapped the blanket around me. I felt the love from this group of women envelop me. It was a powerful moment.

A few days later another package arrived and again we unwrapped it together. Inside we found a brightly painted piece of artwork with the word "BLESSED" embellished across the bottom. Another powerful moment.

And, yes, a third package arrived at our door. In it was a simple yet spiritually meaningful book that I continue to turn to again and again for comfort. It, too, was a powerful moment in time.

These gifts were unexpected, and together they reminded me of the blessings we have and the joy we derive from the simplest acts of kindness.

"I've learned that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance." ~Anonymous

I often reflect on the miracles that change the course of our lives, and how positive thoughts and deeds help to make that difference. I know it made one in mine.

It's what brought me back into the light that summer, and gave me the chance to, hopefully, pass that light onto others.

Have you ever received an unexpected surprise that made a difference in your life?

A Boomer's Short Bucket List

This post is sponsored by Readers.com who reached out to me about sponsoring a post on self-improvement. What could be more motivating than a Bucket List? The opinions expressed here are solely my own.

Now that I’m 55 ½ years old I have a few things I want to accomplish in the next few years. No, I’m not getting Botox or going under the knife to try and turn back the hands of time.

As if…

My Bucket List consists of simple goals, ones that come from the heart and are attainable (I hope!) Now that my son is in college and I’m no longer needed to pack lunches or drive him to school, my Second Chapter is more about me.

It’s a time for self-improvement, spreading my wings and facing my fears.

I miss being a part of my son's school days, but now I'm enjoying who he is right now, how he's following his passions at such a young age. I hope he’s enjoying watching me starting to follow mine.

As a boomer my Bucket List has changed from what it was 10, 20 and even 30 years ago. As we age we all change our priorities, discovering our personal truths, then readjusting all we'd like to accomplish in our lifetime.

Here are 5 of my Bucket List items:

Writing a book – Ever since I plopped myself down in the middle of the aisle at a Long Beach Island bookstore to read, “Harriet the Spy” I knew I wanted to write a book. Over the years I’ve put this on the back burner, but I never stopped creating and recreating my book in my mind. The plots, characters and words are always racing inside my head, like a rapid-fire stock ticker moving quickly to grab my attention. If I don’t write a book in the next few years, it will be one of the great disappointments of my life.

There, I said it out loud. Now I have to do it. No Pulitzer Prize will be necessary.

Location, location, location – When I was 10 years old I flew on a plane for the first time (by myself!) to visit dear family friends. The skies seemed friendlier back then. After landing in sunny Florida I was greeted with hugs and my favorite drink: a tall glass of freshly squeezed orange juice. Outside, the palm trees and vibrant landscape caused my heart to skip a beat. Like Dorothy landing in Oz, the world was now brightly colored.

Ever since then I’ve dreamed of living where winter rarely visits and flowers never die. We may not get there for a few years, but we’re keeping our eye on the prize on living in a place where we can enjoy the outdoors for more than a few months a year.

Public speaking – This has always been my greatest fear. A shy child, I’ve never been comfortable speaking in front of audiences. Yet I believe my message about living a quality life with our abilities despite any disability is an important one to discuss.

Speaking to care workers at nursing homes was an important first step for me, and now I hope to be spreading my message to larger audiences in the coming years. I’ll continue to carry a box of Tums with me, just in case.

Travel – We love to travel, but for now it's not in our budget. We hope to change that in the near future. In the meantime, we’re focusing on what we can do. This summer we’ve been exploring places in our own backyard, enjoying what nature has to offer during the glorious summer months.

I fell in love with kayaking after an extraordinary venture in Jasper, Alberta in the Canadian Rockies. Now I'm searching for somewhere local to kayak that’s both beautiful and not crowded.

I want to explore new hiking and biking trails, visit lovely gardens, tour historical sites, sign up for walking and eating tours in nearby cities, and enjoy the art and music scenes at museums, galleries and parks.

A future Bucket List will include traveling to parts of Europe, Australia, Alaska, Hawaii, Canada (I’d LOVE to take a glass-domed train through Canada) and the Caribbean. I'll keep you posted!

Retreats, Spas and Friendships – I’ve always wanted to go on a retreat. A writer’s retreat sounds perfect, as do all of the offerings from Elizabeth Lesser’s Omega Institute.

The best retreat of all would be spending time at a luxurious spa with my closest friends. If you asked me the typical question, “If you could name 10 people to sit at your table, who would they be?” instead of saying Eleanor Roosevelt or Joan of Arc, my first answer would be, "My closest friends." We live far away from each other, and rarely get together. Spending quality time for a few days while drinking in the deliciousness of spa life together would be heavenly.

What's on your list?

Tending To Friendships In The Age Of Social Media

Pink Princess phone
Photo: collarcitybrownstom

Vera and Mame: “We’ll always be bosom buddies,
Friends, sisters and pals.
We’ll always be bosom buddies,
If life should reject you,
There’s me to protect you.”

It’s either “Wear Your Heart on Your Sleeve Week”, or menopause and MS are playing kickball with my emotions.

Lately I’ve been drawn to blog posts talking about what happens when someone “divorces” you, and the heartache that goes along with it.

If a friend divorces you, or you divorce them, the hurt and anguish feel the same.

Vera: “If I say that your tongue is vicious,
Mame: If I call you uncouth.
Vera and Mame: It’s simply that who else but a bosom buddy,
Will sit down and tell you the truth.”

When do you stop feeling like a 12-year-old child at a dance who impatiently waits for someone to notice you? When a friend dismisses you, you feel like a child sitting on the sidelines.

One of the women I consider my mentors has always had friendships figured out. She’s a strong and vibrant woman who has the knack of understanding whether a person is genuine or not. I’ve watched her over the years and met her many circles of friends.

I asked her how she avoids getting hurt or disappointed by people. She paused for a moment, trying to find the right words to say.

“I enjoy the part of each person that first attracted me to them. If someone enjoys movies, we watch movies together. If they’re interested in music or theatre, we go out to enjoy a show. I listen to my instincts as a guide for cultivating friendships. If something doesn’t feel right, I honor that feeling and act on it. Everyone gets hurt or disappointed. That’s a part of life. I just try to minimize it by following my heart.”

Sound advice.

Vera (speaking): “Tho’ now and again I’m aware that my candid opinion may sting.
Mame: Tho’ often my frank observation might scald,
I’ve been meanin’ to tell you for years,
You should keep your hair natural like mine.
Vera: If I kept my hair natural like yours, I’d be bald.”

I’ve always been a trusting soul, trying to believe there’s some good in everyone. That attitude has left me wide open for hurt and disappointment.

Those are hard lessons to learn.

Now that I’m in my Second Chapter, I work on paying closer attention to my instincts. Perhaps I’m a bit cynical and protective of myself, yet I still try to find some good in everyone.

I’m meeting intelligent, passionate and caring women. The sisterhood is still alive and well and living in the midlife bloggers. The younger bloggers I’ve met are wonderful, too. (Do they mind being called “mommy bloggers?)

In the age of social media, friendships are trickier to maintain. In the “old days’, our choices to stay in touch were picking up the phone to call a friend, or writing a letter to someone living far away.

Today Facebook, Twitter, Google+ and emails have replaced phone calls. Texting is the fastest way to quickly reach out and touch someone.

But wait! Have you checked all of the “likes”, private messages and texts you received today? Have you returned every comment or text?

It’s easy to feel slighted if a friend doesn’t “like” your post on Facebook, retweet your comment on Twitter, or return a text on your cell phone.

It’s easy to get lost in social media to try to keep up with all of your friends. It takes a good deal of time to read and respond to everyone.

I’ve come to the conclusion the best way to maintain a friendship is still the old fashioned way. Make plans to get together. Schedule a Google Hangout. Or do something rebellious like placing an old-fashioned phone call.

I’ve known my three closest friends since grade school. They ground me. Like Vera and Mame, we’ve cultivated our own tightly knit sisterhood. We raise each other up during good times and bad. We are always there for each other. They are my sisters. They are my friends.

As we get older, the importance of tending to our friendships grows more apparent with each passing year. According to The Mayo Clinic, friends can enrich your life and improve your health:

Good friends are good for your health. Friends can help you celebrate good times and provide support during bad times. Friends prevent loneliness and give you a chance to offer needed companionship, too. Friends can also:

Increase your sense of belonging and purpose
Boost your happiness
Reduce stress
Improve your self-worth
Help you cope with traumas, such as divorce, serious illness, job loss or the death of a loved one
Encourage you to change or avoid unhealthy lifestyle habits, such as excessive drinking or lack of exercise

Vera and Mame: “Just turn to your bosom buddy,
For aid and affection,
For help and direction,
For loyalty, lot and for sooth!
Remember that who else but a bosom buddy,
Will sit down and level,
And give you the devil,
Will sit down and tell you the truth!" ~Bosom Buddies, Mame

How do you tend to your friendships?

The Importance of Nurturing Our Friendships

Real or fictional portrayals of friendships between women have always had a uniquely powerful impact on me. Believe it or not, when I watched re-runs of I Love Lucy as a child, I looked past the comedy and was delighted to see the solid friendship between Lucy Ricardo and Ethel Mertz.

That sparked something in me to hope I’d someday have friendships forever.

Lucy and Ethel. Mary and Rhoda. Emily and Charlotte. Serena and Venus.

As a pre-teen, watching The Mary Tyler Moore Show’s comedic yet poignant relationship between Mary and Rhoda strengthened my love of strong, forever friendships. They were always having so much fun (and I loved Rhoda's clothes and the fact that Mary never minded them. Especially the groovy crocheted vests and funky headscarves.)

Meg, Jo, Elizabeth, and Amy March

I always yearned for a sisterly relationship like Lucy's one with Ethel.

I know, I know – it’s fiction! But writers base their stories on real life, including how women bond with one another, showing support and compassion despite any stupid, idiotic, exciting, or wonderful thing they may do.

Gloria Steinem and Bella Abzug Shiprah and Puah (Old Testament)

I have been blessed with two such friendships. I met my two best friends – identical twins - when we were ten years old. As identical twins, they, of course, look the same. I treasure them individually for who they are and what they separately mean to me.

Together, they are my sisters. The ones who have weathered the storm of peer pressure, boyfriends, proms, college, first jobs, marriage, children, and menopause.

We are our true selves when we chat with each other.

We live all over the map, yet I know that on any given day if I call one of them, we can pick up where we last left off. We are each other’s cheering section and a shoulder to cry on if we need one.

They ground me.

If people go through life with at least one best friend, they can consider themselves lucky. I’ve been lucky twice, and I never take it for granted.

Dorothy Zbornak, Sophia Petrillo, Blanche Devereaux & Rose Nyland

True friendship must have three distinct qualities: honesty, trust, and loyalty.

You can have casual friends who may or may not have all of these qualities, yet you share a commonality that enables you to enjoy certain activities together. One friend may strictly be your tennis buddy; another frequents museums with you.

Thelma and Louise Mystic Pizza Steel Magnolias Stage Door

Over the years, I've learned some hard lessons with some friendships. These lessons were difficult. Friends who proclaim they are your friend, yet you don't hear from them despite all of your best efforts.

Others say they miss spending time with you and will call soon. They never do.

Still, others are fun to be with, yet despite your best efforts, they make little effort to contact you again.

I’ve felt hurt, betrayed, disappointed, and sad. I’ve questioned myself and whether I said something wrong or wondered whether it was a flaw within me.

I finally learned a very important lesson that comes from the book The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. It says:

“Be impeccable with your word. Don't take anything personally. Don't make assumptions. Always do your best.”

It would be wonderful to have a Lucy or a Mary live next door to share a cup of coffee, chatting the hours away. It would be lovely to have everyone treat you with dignity and honesty.

“Some people go to priests; others to poetry; I to my friends.” ~Virginia Woolf

I've learned that people come into our lives for a reason, and they leave them for a reason as well.

The truth is that life is as imperfect as we are. What is important is that to live a good quality life, we must take the time to tend to our true friendships and our health.

The quality of our friendships affects our health. That is the best reason of all to tend to our friendships.

(See the article at Mayo Clinic on how friendships enrich your life and improve your health.)

“A friend is one that knows you as you are, understands where you have been, accepts what you have become, and still, gently allows you to grow.” ~William Shakespeare

Do you tend to your friendships?

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