The Importance of a Sense of Community and Belonging in Polarizing Times

As we lumber through the difficult, polarizing days of 2020 I'm reminded of the last time Americans faced this much turbulence.

It was 1968 and the United States had a president with low approval ratings, the war in Vietnam had no end in sight, Olympic athletes protested racial injustice, two shocking acts of violence took the lives of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. and Robert F. Kennedy, feminists protested misogynistic attitudes toward women and bitter divisions between citizens threatened to rip the social fabric of our country apart.

We lost a deep sense of community that year. What I mean by community is when people support and share their experiences and struggles out of a deep concern for others. Community is what builds lasting relationships and provides us with a strong sense of belonging.

In 1968 the black clouds of turbulence and trauma were tearing our communities apart. In 2020, here we go again.

“We were born to unite with our fellow men, and to join
in community with the human race.” – Cicero

 

Growing up in suburban New Jersey I was keenly aware of current events but like most nine-year-olds my world centered on school and social activities. The headlines of 1968 seemed far removed from my hometown, my neighborhood, and from me.

I grew up in a neighborhood built during postwar America when families moved from cities to the suburbs. When I look back it reminds me of the childhood scenes in "It's a Wonderful Life." There were plenty of children close to my age and we often played outdoors together. In summer it was kickball or kick-the-can and in winter we took our Flexible Flyers and metal saucers to the top of the hill for the thrill of sledding down several adjoining backyards.

The only instructions from our parents was to be home before dark.

Our childhood was a unique and idyllic one that helped us establish important values of a lifetime - kindness, integrity, truth, fairness, decency, trust, and cemented bonds of friendships that have lasted for sixty years.

“The world is so empty if one thinks only of mountains, rivers, and cities; but to know someone who thinks and feels with us, and who, though distant, is close to us in spirit, this makes the earth for us an inhabited garden.” ― Goethe

Not everyone grew up in a neighborhood like ours and I'm cognizant of that. The values I learned all those years ago are ones I've leaned on in my darkest days. This year I've needed them more than ever.

As the nation faces four simultaneous crises: a pandemic, economic upheaval, systemic racism and social injustice, our country is fractured between blue and red, left and right. Such division hasn't occurred since 1968 and this state of affairs is troubling.

I wish I had a magic wand to heal the world. I'd return a strong sense of community to reignite moral and ethical values. I think it's what we need.

Our deeply divided country is lashing out from the anger and frustration we feel. Can we ever heal and rebuild trust in each other? Can we pause and open our hearts to someone else's point of view? Can we begin the difficult task of constructive conversations with people of differing views? Will our dire situation remain unsolvable?

I'm not happy with the cancel culture but I'll admit to unfollowing people who refuse to wear masks and tell others to do the same. I unfollow those who are mean, violent, or spread fear, hate, or lies. I don't want them at my table.

Alan Alda, who now focuses on communication skills through his Alan Alda Center for Communicating Science at Stony Book University, is quoted as saying the following:

"Trust...is the essential building block of any good conversation, especially with someone who may not be on the same page. 'You're not going to have trust if you assume, before you even start, that this person is beneath contempt,' he said. Think about 'what ways this person is not your enemy' and even 'in what ways you're very much alike.'" ~Alan Alda.

Our negative emotions are unhealthy and need to be tamed for the sake of wellness. How can we do that?

As I thought about writing this post it occurred to me that the lessons I learned as a patient are applicable to everyone this year:

In a pandemic world, here are a few ways to maintain a sense of community:

Social isolation. Social isolation is a real problem for many people. Consider calling someone who lives alone. Drop off a meal, send a text, write a letter, send flowers. Remember to ask how someone is feeling and if they need anything.

Stay connected. Social media can be many things but in the age of emotional devastation and uncertainty, it has the potential to create connectedness. It can integrate the elderly and vulnerable populations into everyday lives. It can create sustained, engaged concern for the wellbeing of others.

Join a group. During the pandemic, there are many ways to find others with similar interests. I've taken online yoga classes, meditation, and wellness classes, art museum tours, and group business coaching events. All were interactive and held on Zoom. I found them easy to maneuver, pleasurable, and they helped ease stress and anxiety.

Zoom or FaceTime: I've reacquainted myself with old friends and relatives I fell out of touch with by using the Zoom app. It's been a lot of fun with tons of laughter, and very gratifying. Now that we have more time for ourselves it's the perfect time to schedule a session with those you've been thinking about.

To paraphrase a quote from the Talmud:

Whoever destroys a soul it is considered as if he destroyed an entire world. And whoever saves a life it is considered as if he saved an entire world.

With the upcoming holiday season let's remember that being kind to even one person can help save the world. Let's do our best to build a sense of community, one kind word at a time. Let's get started...

 

 

 

 

 

 

How We Can Lean On Communities To Help Us Survive Difficult Times

Lately, I’ve been thinking about the word “communities” and the important role they play in our lives. A "community" is a place where like-minded people come together, but the plural "communities" are different in nature. They can support many of our needs to be active and informed, help us find comfort and advice, or simply be a safe place to fall.

In the current world climate having many communities to lean on is critical for good physical and mental health.

communities

Think about it. When you’re sad, scared or lonely where do you turn? When you’re looking to network with others where do you go? When illness strikes who do you turn to for support and guidance? When you feel helpless or angry who listens to your outcry?

Communities filled with empathetic people are a critical resource.

I remember thinking about communities in a new way when the junior United States Senator Barack Obama announced his presidential candidacy in early 2007. I read about the work he did in the early 1980’s as a community organizer in the poorer neighborhoods of the South Side of Chicago. I never thought much about community organizers and was curious to learn more.

What I learned was that being a community organizer provides someone with a feeling of commitment and purpose while helping those in need. 

In a New York Times articleObama’s Organizing Years, Guiding Others and Finding Himself” (July 7, 2008) we learn that Obama worked tirelessly to help a multicultural, lower income neighborhood wrestle with tough issues like asbestos removal, public safety, and employment. He faced many obstacles and wasn’t always successful in finding resolutions, but in the end he formed a lifelong commitment to a community he loves.

I grew up in a tight-knit community where neighbors helped neighbors. Children played outside until dark, and parents kept their doors unlocked in case a child was thirsty, needed a bathroom, or had a problem.

Today we live in a world that clearly needs stronger communities, but I see them crumbling all around us. We’re being pitted one against the other in ways I never imagined.

It’s a challenging time to be alive.

But I’m an optimist who still believes there are more good people in the world than bad, more kindness than evil and more hope than despair.

There are naysayers, of course. But I see communities of people spring into action when a hurricane hits and people and animals are in need. Government resources are stretched, so communities pitch in to help in countless ways.

I hold on to thoughts of hope to help me survive. They inspire me to rise above the anger that's been distorting my view of what I want for the world and for myself. Given the choice of tossing platitudes to the wind or clinging to them, I’ll always choose the latter.

Anxiety and frustration are so palpable these days that so many of us begin to suffer physical and emotional stress. That’s when I look to my mentors, the people who inspire and encourage me by who they are and what they do.

A great example of a mentor who created a community of inclusion and understanding was Fred Rogers of educational television fame. Rogers was a larger-than-life mentor who is featured in a new documentary on his life called “Won’t You Be My Neighbor?”

I’ve always admired the goodness and compassion of Mr. Rogers and find comfort in one particular memory he shared years ago :

“My mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.’ To this day, especially in times of disaster, I remember my mother’s words, and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers — so many caring people in this world.”

I have many other mentors, but that’s not what this piece is about. It’s about communities and the need to create your own to help you live a balanced, joyful, informed and peaceful life.

Here are some of the communities I look to for strength, hope, and joy. They are varied and unique to my needs:

What communities do you rely on? Who listens to your thoughts and ideas? Who inspires you? Where do you turn for the information you need or the empowerment you seek? Who keeps you sane, balanced or joyful? Who comforts you when you're feeling depressed or anxious? I'd love to hear about it!

 

 

 

 

Why Community Is Important In The Midst Of Sadness

Women of my generation were not always taught as young girls to be self-reliant but were instructed to do well in school, build a community of friends and marry well. We learned early on that boys were groomed for careers while girls were groomed to sew, cook and look nice.

community women

The tides slowly changed after the second wave of feminism. Popular culture reflected these changes with television shows like The Mary Tyler Moore Show, Alice and One Day at a Time where the protagonists were self-reliant women, albeit arriving there under different circumstances. They were smart, savvy ladies.

Several years ago I recall chatting with other stay-at-home moms at a book club meeting. My decision to stay home to raise our son is one I’ll never regret. During our discussion one mom, an attorney with two children who worked part time, said something I’ll never forget. She attended law school because of her grandmother’s advice: Women should work to earn their own income, depositing part of their paycheck into a bank account of their own. No woman should be fully dependent on anyone.

As much as I wanted to be self-reliant my career choices were never breadwinners. Yet raising a child and all that the “job” entailed created a fifty-fifty proposition in our home. My husband and I always saw each other as providers on an equal playing field. That is part of what makes our marriage a strong one.

“Heroes didn't leap tall buildings or stop bullets with an outstretched hand; they didn't wear boots and capes. They bled, and they bruised, and their superpowers were as simple as listening, or loving. Heroes were ordinary people who knew that even if their own lives were impossibly knotted, they could untangle someone else's. And maybe that one act could lead someone to rescue you right back.” ~ Jodi Picoult, Second Glance

I also believe in the value of community, a term that morphed from like-minded people living in the same community to people finding one another on social media.

If we were all completely self-reliant there wouldn’t be a need for community, and Facebook, Twitter and Pinterest would have never survived. We wouldn’t be interested in helping, supporting and lifting each other up. A great society needs to have a strong sense of community in order to survive.

Growing up I loved having a lot of friends. During teenage angst and changing hormones my heart would sometimes get broken. Yet I always picked myself up and moved on.

“When you come out of the storm you won’t be the same person that walked in. That’s what the storm is all about.” ~Haruki Murakami

It’s in that heartache where important lessons are learned.

A true friend will laugh and cry with you. They’ll support you in your choices and tell you when you’re wrong. They’ll love you in your darkest and brightest moments.

And you will shine a light their way as well.  

In midlife the definition of community changes. The revised definition applies to the rules of blogging as well if we want our blogs to be well-received. We seek love, support, guidance, a friendly ear, a shoulder to cry on, an honest opinion and mutual respect.

In a week filled with sadness from the passing of two giants who left us too soon I thought a lot about being self-reliant and creating community. We can't be completely self-reliant because we all need to be part of a community, no matter what size, shape or form.

David Bowie and Alan Rickman relied on their great gifts to create the communities who mourn for them. They will forever remain in our hearts.

How are you building your community?

♥♥♥♥♥♥

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