An Empowered Spirit Blog Post

I Hug You With My Words, Forever

By Cathy Chester on January 16, 2013

Spoiler Alert: The mission of An Empowered Spirit is to write about issues affecting people in their Second Chapter. Past posts have dealt with lighter issues, such as culturing friendships, staying authentic, and embracing your age. This week's post deals with the more difficult subjects of death, loss, and survival. I wrote it in memory of two recently lost beloved people. I hope you decide to continue reading, and let me know your thoughts.

"I don't want to stay in the bad place where no one believes in silver linings, love, or happy endings." ~Matthew Quick, Silver Linings Playbook

I've been putting off writing this post because I find it challenging to discuss the subjects of death, loss, and survival. Who doesn't? I've written and re-written the words in my mind but didn't dare to write them into a blog post. But last week, after watching (and falling in love with) the movie "Silver Linings Playbook" and hearing Robert DeNiro's character tell his son, played by Bradley Cooper, "Let me tell you. You have to pay attention to the signs. When life reaches out with a moment like this, it's a sin if you don't reach back... I'm telling you," I finally got the courage.

A light bulb suddenly flashed over my head so brightly that, for a brief moment, I thought the usher would tell me to turn it off. I realized my moment had come. There are times when writing can be highly cathartic. When you begin to write, you're staring at a blank page that needs to be filled with words revolving around a chosen subject or idea. If you're fortunate, you begin filling pages of sentences and paragraphs that eventually shape into a story that astonishes you because it somehow took on a life of its own.

Your innermost thoughts stored deep inside the vast chambers of your mind miraculously appear as your final draft. You can't help but wonder how that all happened. I pray that is what happens now.

When this does happen, as it has for me in the past, writing can be a lot like going to therapy. Except the therapist is replaced by your brain sitting across the room from you in a comfortable chair, reading aloud from a book about your life.

But this time is different; the subjects of death, loss, and survival are difficult to process, let alone write about. That's why I've been procrastinating. I've been unsure how to write about them without sounding bleak and oppressive.

So thanks to Mr. Quick and Mr. DeNiro for pushing me over the edge of reason and back onto the path leading to the glorious rest of my life.

"Let no one weep for me or celebrate my funeral with mourning; for I still live as I pass to and fro through the mouths of men." ~Quintus Ennius

Why have I been thinking much about life, death, loss, and love lately? Over the past few months, I lost two exceptional people in my life who were extraordinary, brilliant, and passionate. I loved them both so dearly. Each unknowingly added many dimensions to my character while I was growing up and into adulthood. They lived fully and happily into their eighties despite an inconvenient illness. They set the bar high for me, one I hope to follow someday, and make me proud. I never wanted to let them go. At the very least, I got to thank them each. Who wants to let go of the people we love and cherish?

When my son was young, we saw "The Lion King." When we returned home, he wanted to know what "The Circle of Life" meant. I knew from the movie the simplest and most eloquent explanation for a young child to understand:

Mufasa: Everything you see exists together in a delicate balance. As king, you must understand that balance and respect all the creatures, from the crawling ant to the leaping antelope.

Young Simba: But, Dad, don't we eat the antelope?

Mufasa: Yes, Simba, but let me explain. When we die, our bodies become the grass, and the antelope eat the grass. And so we are all connected in the great Circle of Life.

The answer seemed to quell his curiosity; it takes so little at that age. So I tucked the subject away since, at age 36, it wasn't a subject I cared to contemplate. Like Scarlett O'Hara, I would think about it another day.

As Baby Boomers, when we lose a loved one, we mourn their passing, yet we also begin to think about our mortality. It also serves as a clear reminder to tell those we love how we feel about them and how much they mean to us.

In high school, I read a book that was very influential on my school of thought: Viktor Frankl's "Man's Search for Meaning." The Austrian neurologist and Holocaust survivor left a lasting impression on me, chronicling his insights based on his experiences as a concentration camp inmate.

He discovered we must find meaning in all forms of our existence (which later became a part of existential therapy and a source of inspiration for humanistic psychologists) – no matter what they are, to find a reason to keep living.

"Then I grasped the meaning of the greatest secret that human poetry and human thought and belief have to impart: Man's salvation is through love and in love. I understood how a man with nothing left in this world may still know bliss only briefly in contemplating his beloved." "For the first time in my life, I was able to understand the meaning of the words, 'The angels are lost in perpetual contemplation of an infinite glory.'" ~Viktor Frankel

As we move through our Second Chapter, we must have an honest yet often difficult conversation with ourselves about loss, death, and survival. From my perspective, I think it's vital to face these issues head-on because then – and only then - can we try to move forward and live our lives most vibrantly and healthily as possible.

I know my two loved ones want me to live fully and permanently and remember them with love and a smile. They are always with me. Here are some tips on dealing with grief from Medline Plus:

  • Reach out to loved ones to talk about how you're feeling and what you're going through. Don't be afraid to ask for help.
  • Try to resume your everyday routine quickly.
  • Get plenty of exercise and sleep each day.
  • Eat a healthy, nutritious diet.
  • Don't turn to alcohol.
  • Avoid making major decisions too soon after your loss.
  • Acknowledge the emotions you are feeling. It's perfectly acceptable to cry, feel angry, or even numb.

 

Author

Cathy Chester

Comments

  1. This is a difficult topic indeed. I lost my father when I was 17 and that has always stayed with me and shaped my feelings about loss. I've been lucky so far that all of my friends and siblings are in good health. I think seeing our peers get ill is one of the difficult parts of growing old.
    Thank you for tackling the difficult--we need to have these conversations, as tough as they are.

  2. Cathy, You have indeed handled a difficulty topic beautifully. I am a big fan of bringing in others into my thinking and I would love any post that could incorporate but Lion King and Frankel. Wonderfully done.

  3. You're right... This is a difficult subject to embrace. And yet and still, we still have the need to do so. You see, as your son mentioned, The Cycle of Life is just that... a Cycle. We are all going to embrace it whether we want to or not. The more healthy of a perspective we can take regarding it, the better it will be for us in the long run.

    My condolences to the loss of your loved ones. I know how painful that can be. One year, I lost five family members, one of which included my beloved Grandmother. Sometimes the pain stung so bad that I thought it was going to bring me with her. But then I realized that that's not what she wanted for me. She wanted me to live and enjoy my life and be happy. So I"m choosing to.

    Good luck to you in your time of mourning. It's not easy, but I can assure you it does get easier with time. Thanks for this timely post!

  4. Cathy,

    Your post hit close to home for me. Death is a difficult subject, however you remind everyone that it is ok to grieve and go on to live life without minimizing the event. Your reference to The Lion King is so appropriate!

    Kelly

  5. We lost our youngest son in July 2012. We never thought we would have to experience this incredible sort of loss.
    We are not "recovering", per se. It is way too soon to even contemplate.
    However, I am celebrating our son's life with every single thing I do, when I work. I do what I do in his honor. I work a LOT.
    Thank you for your post. I must remember to eat well! You are right! 🙂

    Jean

  6. Thank you for posting this Cathy...I really needed to read this today and will probably re-read it several times because I know I will need to as I deal with my own grief and loss. I think you dealt with this subject gracefully and articulately.

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